Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

   Cure for the economy: Send welfare checks in an envelope that can be used as a condom.

   Disclaimer: By reading this status, you consent to hold no responsibilty to the owner of this wall any embarrassment from Laughing Out Loud inappropriately, injuries sustained from internal laughter, or any @$$es that may have been laughed off. 

   at lunch and saw a Mexican guy with a mullet. Negocio in the front, fiesta in the back.

   Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

   To climb a ladder you must start at the bottom. Get a few sluts under your belt, then go after the respectable women.

   Women complain that they can't find good men. They do find them but then they just put them in the friend zone and never give them a chance.

   I wish I loved something as much as I hate almost everything.

   The Congressional Budget Super Committee has had months to work out the details on the budget and cutting the deficit but still no progress. As Gomer Pyle used to say, "Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

   If I die before I wake, I pray the lord my browsing history he will clear.

   Appreciate the good people God gave you because he will take them back one day.

   Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...

   Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)

   Dear Fork, I thought you should know; you have a son.His name is Spork. -Spoon P.S. He has your hair.

   If a fat girl falls over in the middle of a forest and no-one's around to see it, do the trees laugh?

   You know what I hate? When you're in somebody's house and you see a tin of Celebrations - you sneak the lid off and its a f*cking sewing kit.

   Never get on one knee for a girl that won't get on two for you..

   saw a butterfly today with no wings, so I poured red bull on it and BAMMMM... it died :(

   Girls want a fairy tale relationship, guys want a happy ending. ;)

   If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..