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Just put on 12 Nickelback songs and walked out of the bar 
I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.
If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.
Why can't Edward read Bella's thoughts? Because she doesn't have any.
TWILIGHT has pretty much forever ruined the names, Edward, Bella & Jacob.
Someone really screwed over that Adele Chick! Can you say stalker!
People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
Very little happens at 3 o'clock in the morning, but when it does, it's usually very memorable.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
My "safe place" is filled with unstable chemicals and psychedelic teddy bears with knives for claws, so I guess it's kind of a misnomer.
People need to stop trending #LMFAO. I've seen obesity statistics, you're not laughing anything off.
Turns out "LEGO" is Danish for, "Ouch! That hurt my foot!"
When it rains in LA it's the tears of all the unemployed party clowns.
The most awkward place to run into a homeless person is on your way to a Coinstar.
"The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?
It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.
Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.
If I could go back in time I would be playing recieve with your mom!
pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"
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