Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   Sometimes I ask myself “Why me?What have I done to deserve this?” Then, I say to myself, “Oh…right.”

   My doctor is a weight loss expert. He removes the fat from my wallet.

   I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. "Oh God," she moaned, "You smell amazing. What is it?" "Apple Pies," I said.

   #Thinking ...This chick is weird and odd but LORD DOES SHE HAVE A BOD!!

   The pain your heart feels when you have your mind set on a shoe and they tell you "We don't have your size"

   Only when I'm drinking Jager, think I have the moves like Jagger

   True Beauty = (Woman + Confidence) - Make Up

   B*I*T*C*H - Babe In Total Control of Herself

   These new energy saving light bulbs are not all they're cracked up to be. It takes just as much effort to screw them in as the old light bulbs!!!!

   While eating dinner I dropped food on my napkin by accident and caught myself licking it off. What the hell is wrong with me?

   With show after show about it on the History Channel, I'm starting to think the Holocaust might have really happened.

   haha to the mosquito's who just bit me, enjoy the hangover tomorrow. haha

   Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check.Cop then sends me a picture of handcuffs.You win !!

   So you saw my new boyfriend and ask me what happened to my standards? Well duh .. I raised them!!!

   I keep telling my friends, "Stop being so sexist....don't you know broads hate that?"

   Blonde: "What do OMG, IDK, IDC, and GTG mean?? Brunette: Oh my God, I don't know, I don't care, and got to go" Blonde: Well, that's a bit rude fine bye

   roses are red, violets are blue, yadda yadda yadda, can we have sex now?

   my sleep number is 80 proof

   Of course someone else packed my bags for me. What am I a peasant?