Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What did the left pu$$y lip say to the other? We used to be so tight until we let some d*ck come between us.

   I think if I ever had to get an X-ray on my leg or something, I'd hide a piece of metal under my clothes that looks like a ninja star. Then I'd casually say "Oh that's an old battle wound..."

   Nobody is perfect, but don't use that excuse to cover up your mistakes and stupidity.

   I hate when somebody claims they are mad at you but won't tell you why.

   the worst kind of illness is the kind others do not see, or choose not to. Only when it's too late do they realize their ignorance.

   ok....am I the only one that sings "Come on Irene" laughs then knows I shouldnt?

   I wait for my cat. His litter box is right beside our toilet. When he shows up we do a synchronized poop, high five and then share a can of tuna.

   you know your a redneck if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!

   If you want to insure you work in the field, bring something that needs to be microwaved for lunch :/

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   REAL Rednecks read bedtime stories using their best "monster truck" voice.

   Apparently the Washington Monument has been damaged. MSNBC says the Washington monument is leaning to left. Fox news says its to the right.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.

   I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.

   There's a small child trying to talk to me right now. Quick! What should I do??

   I read where it said that having sex burns 4 calories per minute. I mean come on, are you serious? This has to be worng. How was this ever verified? A WHOLE minute??

   's bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation!