Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.

   There aren't any good slogans for condoms because there aren't any themes... Make some Harry Potter ones... "Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets."

   My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.

   How can you tell when your wife is dead? Well the sex is pretty much the same but the dishes start piling up.

   they're are moments in life. Moments when you know u've crossed bridge and your old life is over. I'm into action. I have arrived!

   Describe myself in one word? Okay....Handsomesexyintelligentfunny.

   We were so enamored that we forgot to check his qualifications

   think I will go to the mall and watch people trip on an escalator

   Netflix is raising their prices again?! This sounds like a job for Hacker Group Anonymous!

   My Wife:"Honey the sales add says the dealership will make it easy for husbands to get a new car for their spouse this weekend!" Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase

   An archeologist is a garbage man who arrives too late

   I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.

   wears my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible

   I miss Wesley Snipes. That man could act. You really believed for a moment that he was afraid of Michael Jackson in the Bad video.

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   Sorry Al-Qaeda. but our Congress has been the better terrorist group for decades. They've been killing people mentally, psychologically, financially, physically, and of course economically. You're mad because you hate being #2.

   not lookin forward to tonght...the voices in my head party way to hard on fridays!;p

   I just cut a coupon for Adderall off the back of a box of Lucky Charms.