Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When you feel lonely, CHEER UP! Just go to the mirror and say "Sh!t" I'm really so good looking!" You'll overcome your sadness. But don't make it a habit cuz liars go to hell!

   Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

   A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.

   A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.

   To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house

   the economy is so bad I saw a walmart CEO shopping at walmart

   Confucius Say; To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.

   If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

   Confucius Say: When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.

   Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

   Man who checks out woman's package, dosen't always work for UPS.

   went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Ahhh I'm FREEE! Time for beer, sports, and p0rn

   Thank God I'm single..I don't have to pretend I give a damn about sports, cars, teenage girls in bikinis or his feelings.

   Games Nursing Staff HATE playing on at a Nursing Home: 5) Ollie, Ollie Ijustpeed 4) Guess what's on My Shoe 3) Here we go Loopty Poo 2)Red Light, Green Light: A Game of Incontinence Care 1) Follow the Leaker

   Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.

   It's not speed that kills you. It's the suddenly coming to a dead stop that does it.

   I Just got outta the dentist office and they were VERY IMPRESSED with my teeth, that they even made me take a couple of head shot photos........... They called them X-Rays, but I knew what they were getting at.

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   The Dominos Pizza Tracker should always end with "Your New Chin, You Fat Piece of Sh!t".

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.