Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ghetto word of the day : Omelet I shoulda slapped da fu*k outta yo a$$ but omelet dat sh!t slide dis time! 

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!

   Don't judge a a person on some crap that you heard about their past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.!!!

   Please don't wish me sweet dreams, I am diabetic.

   i can take any amount of pain ecxept for stubbing my toe thats worse then chinese torture.

   There was a chilled beer in the fridge and a note, "Don't drink me." Now there's an empty tin and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   My ex asked me how I've been. I just said 'Better without you'

   Special note to all kids returning to school: If you see someone who is struggling to make friends or being bullied because he/she doesn't have many friends or because they are shy or not as pretty or not dressed in the most "in" clothes,PLEASE step up.

   3 Things Every New Nurse should know: 1) never get "eye level' to measure a sore on someone's bottom. 2) Yawning during tracheotomy care is BAD 3) Always smell an Apple Juice in the Nurses fridge before drinking or serving.

   Poking holes in your friend's condoms; it's all fun and games until your girlfriend ends up pregnant.

   I yawn and you assume I quit listening. Truth be told, I was never listening.

   Judges who judge judgemental judging are often judged judgementally the way they judged. Judging other judgemental judges only brings greater judgement. Judgemental judging as you can easily judge is harsh judgement. Therefore Judge not lest ye be judged!

   I just got an email from Northern Tool. Turns out, it isn't about a bunch of yankee retards.

   Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

   My friend said, "I don't like Budweiser or Coors, I only drink Corona." And I said, "I'm like a beer slut, I drink anything."

   "My phone's about to die." - Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   When your girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

   I make no apologies for the fact that your balls aren't big enough to handle my personality!