Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My Uncle always told me our side of the family had Irish Alzhiemers , That's where you forget everything but the grudge

   Good thing these facebook pokes are cyber based. If they were real and unprotected, I wouldn't have a family, I'd have a city.

   Once again, its time for me to break my foot off in your 'John-Browne Hine-Parts'. (Not sure what that means...heard it in 'Remember the Titans'....it sounds scary tho!!!)

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   i heard tim pawlenty has pulled out of the GOP race. Well I guess he can now finally go back to his regular job as being nicholas cages stunt double. oh wait hes jobless too...my bad

   Don't worry, one day you and everyone you know will be dead. Have a nice day! :)

   Dear Stalker: Stop looking in my windows or I'll flash you......and believe me....it's not pretty!!!

   Do you have a weakness? Cupcakes... and porn..Not at the same time! I need a free hand.

   I can rise or shine...take your pick.

   If you wear a "come at me bro" shirt, I'm coming at you. If you wear a "free hugs" shirt, I'm grabbing you and spinning you around. If you don't like a stranger doing this maybe you shouldn't falsely advertise.

   Did you know that you can't tap your thumb knuckle against your bottom teeth with your eyes closed over 16 times without getting dizzy?

   I hate Costco and its costconians on the weekend. Is it really that difficult to move aside while trying to devour your 27th sample? It is not like you're trying to balance fine China on a stick, you're putting a cheese square into yo

   when you r I'll suddenly everyone around you is a doctor

   Dear Budget Models; the bathroom is for sh*tting, pissing and showering, not for photo shoots

   You were on my good side, until you told me that you believe Elvis is still alive.

   I didn't get fired, I just got demoted to customer.

   Just killed a bug with a bible...not sure what happens now.

   I'm trying to rule the world, you want to own a lot of shoes. We're not on the same playing field.

   I'm not into any sports. But I'll watch women's beach volleyball​ if it's on

   Why is it when deer decide to commit suicide they always choose my car as the weapon of choice!? :/