Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I hate when I sleep on my arm by accident, and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to feel it

   AhhhChooo!! If you are allergic to bulls**t, liars, head games, drama queens, two-faced fake people... Repost this and keep this sneeze going.

   MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”

   Today MTV turns 30, and yes I'm old enough to remember when they played music videos

   The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."

   Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Lays have started a new competition where they have placed 5 chips into their bags of air.

   In hamster years I'm over 2000 years old. Not bad for a chain smoking sugar addict.

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours.

   My mom knew I was a wild child the day I was born when I used my umbilical cord to bungie jump!

   Aug 1st- today is the beginning of my 12 step program. Step one, get another beer!

   I'm not overconfident. My low self-esteem is at an all-time high!

   My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

   If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.

   I hope you are as good with your lips as you are good with your words!

   If it bothers you when I stare and drool, than dont display them!!!

   Turns out, "Cowboys & Aliens" is NOT about Arizona's immigration laws.

   I sleep naked so if there's some sort of emergency I immediately make it sexy.

   My favorite colors are Grey Goose & Red Bull.

   I try to get out of my car with my seatbelt still on far more than any person should,

   Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.