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my buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!" 
weird. I was playing mini golf and this angry dude from New Zealand offered to carry my putter and kept swatting my wifes camera out of her hand
if you have to ask how much that drink is, you probably shouldn't be drinking it
i'm not a vegetarian but I eat animals that are
Just opened a new tube of pringles - but disappointed - there's only three in there, and they're all tennis ball flavour.
Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?
The phrase "You come in handy" sounds like something an Asian masseuse might say for an extra $50
next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!
Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, but he never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf... which would actually make him the original inventor of the 'booty call' as well.
I don't think I've ever been told I'm a bad listener.
I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I was going, Officer.
so cool, you can set your clock by his 5 oclock shadow
I am actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
some people deserve the middle finger more often
They should make Harry Potter brand condoms Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.
Sometimes you have to tell yourself "This the worst idea ever!" and then do it anyways.
Children grow up so fast. One day they're taking their 1st steps, the next they're taken away after a judge rules you're a negligent parent.
Stuck between Yeah! I have a job and Crap I have to go to work!
A woman recently changed her FB status to "got my periods" 20 guys liked it and 30 commented "thank God"
that weired feeling when a kid just walks up to you and says the one word s/he knows..."dadda"!
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