Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Has anyone ever completed a round of anti-biotics?

   I wake up and people are asking me if I'm dead? Just because I'm 27 does not mean I'm going anywhere. (STILL-MUCH-ALIVE)

   tellin people you're deleting your facebook, then disabling it, then bring it back is pointless

   When wife says, "We need to talk". That only means that she will talk and the Husband will Choke

   Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

   If your plan A doesn't work, don't sweat it. The alphabet has 25 more letters.

   Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I was six and my biggest problem was what kind of dress to put on my Barbie's or whether or not I had enough Lego's to build a fort

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in your life

   Forget the bed, you are sleeping in my arms tonight.

   Do you know who says bros before hos'? Actors in sitcoms and the three dudes sitting together without dates at the bar.

   problems are like a tree, if you cut off the leaves they will grow back but if you cut it out at the roots they will be gone for good

   I searched on Google: "What do Women want?" Google search results: "We are searching too"

   Life and Wife are two similar words ..... but if you have one, you can't have the other!!!

   Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.

   Twitter is a cold and lonely place, I am going back to Facebook.

   clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle... with the rest of the citizens that would like to FIRE THE WHOLE STINKIN LOT OF YOU! Wow, that felt pretty good.

   I believe the stud finder is the most self-esteem raising carpentry tool

   Ok my Guardian Angel, if you're out there, and if you're listening.. Please listen to this one: "I want to keep her, for life"

   sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

   Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.