Funny Status Messages

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I feel like I need to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.

   I feel like a ninja when I wish people happy birthday on Facebook at 12:01am

   You see that box with the fb pictures by the top right corner? The day I see any of my friends pictures in it, I'm screwed.

   what? I never said I didnt like you. I said "leave me alone, you make me wanna throw up"

   It's a real shame that Justin Bieber never got to attend a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house

   Quote of the night. "Sex dolls are not meant for speed."

   STOP whatever your doing, DROP the weed in the paper, ROLL a fatty

   *Yawn* oh no… keep talking… I always YAWN when I'm interested….:)

   I discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?".

   If this had been a status update, the Attention Signal you just read would have been followed by official status, news or general BS. This concludes this test of the Emergency I Don't have a Status Update.

   All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars...

   A woman in your arms, is worth two on the Net.

   There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o) Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let's not forget the very large (o why o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymmetrical (•)(.) We love them all!

   Was at Home Depot last night and I saw two Southwest Pilots looking for roofing material ....this can't be good!!

   I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

   when I die my gravestone is going to have a "Like" button.

   when I die my gravestone is going to have a "DisLike" button before facebook does!

   Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

   Dear Customers, Yes, we are making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies!!

   How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarettes.