Funny Status Messages

   Can't believe I forgot my wife was on her period. Boy is my face red.

   If chains and whips excite rihanna then why did she break up with Chris Brown ?

   You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants

   i already owns a 3D television. I call it "my window."

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   Working at the pizza place today...I came up with a tastier dough, Would you like to try my dill dough?

   Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.

   Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

   Some times the only way to win is to not suck at the game.

   I ate some green cheese yesterday, thinking it was green for St Patricks day. Turns out it was just really bad cheese! I've been sitting on this toilet for 14 hours.

   125 shot of nitrous is like a hot chick with STD's.... You know you wanna hit it but your afraid of the consequences!

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to walk away from, and some I would love to punch in the face

   St. Patrick 1 - me 0

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness."

   wondering how the first prostate exam went..."hold on, you want to stick your finger where?!"

   happy green vomit day!

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.

   Why are there laws against texting while driving and drinking while driving... but not texting while drinking?

   Your Fat! and I'm not gonna sugar coat it cause you will eat that too!!!