Funny Status Messages

   So today I have to write my review for work. What's the best way to put, “I golfed over 200 rounds this last summer while you paid me to be at my office?”

   It seems like earlier this week my horoscope would have said "A big change to be coming soon".....Who knows, maybe it did, and I was just reading the wrong one..

   WARNING! Facebook now scans your brain through your monitor. TO BLOCK, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminium foil. Wrap foil around your head, stay calm & breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem & has been confirm

   "Doctor, I been having some trouble with my Hearing".....Can you describe the symptoms?....."Sure.. Marge has blue hair, and Homer is fat!"

   just spent my Saturday watching commercials on AMC interupted by 10 minutes segments of movie..

   Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden!

   Life is short...Break the rules, forgive, love, laugh, and never regret anything that made you smile!

   "A man must be Big enough to admit his mistakes, Strong enough to fix them, & Smart enough to listen to me next time!"

   while I drink my coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window and ask myself: Am I attractive enough to prostitute?

   When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   ***WARNING*** The National Weather Service has issued a Falling Bird Warning for Chicago on Sunday. Falling Seahawks could be heavy at times especially around the Soldier Field area. Heavy accumulation is likely!

   The most effective part of bringing my laptop to the coffee shop so I can "work" is the "lying to myself."

   More birds dying in packs. This time in Atlanta

   If it bleeds, we can kill it.

   bets there's no problem finding salt for the roads when it snows in Margaritaville

   An angry mob of nerds can be dangerous. The only thing stopping them from tipping cars is physical ability.

   The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee.

   Hey Facebook, is it possible to cram a few more ads on my "new" profile page?

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   The hypocrisy of some on the LEFT has no bounds.