Funny Status Messages

   would rather be sodimized by two out of the three Jonas brothers, than listen to another Bieber song....It would be three out of three, but the one with the curly hair reminds me of a clown--I hate F@#king clowns...

   Met someone today named Ophelia Ball. Was I childish for giggling during encounter?

   Every year, grandma gets run over by a reindeer. I wonder if this year, if I left some extra cookies, Santa'd aim for my ex instead?

   If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.

   Sometimes, I intentionally wait a few minutes before I "comment" on a FB friends "comment" about my status just so they think that I actually do something else besides stare at my computer all day

   I am the old guy who cut you off, took your parking spot, glared at you in the mall, called the cops on your party last night...and married your Grandma

   U know you mexican when you wrap christmas presents with a knife instead of scissors.lol

   waiting for Cmac to tap the microphone and say "Is this thing on?"

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   Rejection doesn't hurt, expectation does. Lie doesn't kill, denial does. "Forget" doesn't heal, "forgive" does.

   I'm just thankful we don't have a sixth sense that allows us to taste everything we look at.

   Dear Ex, I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be.

   I didn't trip, I just attacked the floor with my mad ninja skills.

   "Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above

   I love when people cut me off because they're in a rush, then I pull up next to them at the same red light.

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone says something stupid to me.

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   D.A.R.E. ... Drugs Are Really Expensive...

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them, 'I have it at home in my spare wallet