Funny Status Messages

   watching It's Complicated and thinking it's really not that complicated. Meryl Streep is sleeping with her married ex- husband Alec Baldwin and at the same time her Architect Steve Martin.I think I got it figured out..

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth when I'm drunk...thank you...

   wonder I dyslexics if can read this.

   I have 2 tons of that white global warming arctic packing material in my driveway right now going by the undercover name of "snow".

   You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"

   has been told by his girlfriend that he keeps having mood swings, so in an attempt to monitor my moods she got me one of those mood rings. When I'm in a good mood it goes green but when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on her f*%king forehead.

   How do 3 gay guys sit on 1 bar stool? ..... They flip it upside down

   Started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   F*ck your Four Loko. I swallowed my Day-Quil with 5 Hour energy & a latte & now my pet unicorn Steve & I are off to bake cheesecakes.

   Snookie's gonna drop in the ball on New Years? Really? That's a family thing not a stripper pole!!!

   I was excited to bring home my Xmas Tree but I didn't have the heart to tell it I'd be leaving it in the street for dead in just a few weeks.

   come to the conclusion, that boxer briefs are like a bra for my balls

   Don't blow my snow man

   growing up we all had that one friend that would raid your fridge and eat all the good snacks when all you did was offer them a drink. I was that friend

   Modern tragedy... Dumb people with smartphones

   thinks anyone caught wikileaking in public should be prosecuted.

   wonders why - while changing your clothes at the YMCA - old men have to flaunt and swing their wrinkled junk around? Its like they're trying to prove their manhood or attempting to iron out the wrinkles, I'm not sure.

   Life gives guys a lot of lemons, but life gives girls a set of melons.

   #192.168.1.1 I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router ;)