Funny Status Messages

   I may not be an organ donor, but I owe it to mankind to donate my humor to science!

   There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.

   I'm kinda like Han Solo. Always strokin my own wookie

   If we really want to keep our sensitive documents safe... Why don't we keep them with Obamas birth certificate?

   My daughter spilled a whole bottle of baby powder on her room because she wanted to practice ice skating. Are you serious Disney channel?

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   Give back to your community what they claim to have given to you.

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.

   Son: Dad is it ok to love a midget, Dad- depends on if your nuts over her

   How is Justin Bieber 1 of the 10 most fascinating people...

   NOTE TO SELF: Please stop writing yourself notes. Love, Self

   another day closer to being worm food......

   All I want for Christmas is the charges dropped.

   If Sarah Palin married Hilary Clinton, who would be the butch one?

   I gots to say nothing turns me on more then looking at some of these pics on facebook of these chicks flippin the bird....I mean its so dang sexy...Its the kinda pic you can show your grandkids and tell them thats how you fell for their grandma..

   This just in WIKILEAKS plans to reveal what you are getting for Xmas......

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.

   I don't like it when other shoppers look in my cart while at the grocery store. Trying to steal my ideas, go think up your own dinner!

   I feel bad for Santa....the poor guy only comes once a year