Funny Status Messages

   Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   loves the wind in my hair, the sun shining on my face while horseback riding. oh damn...i need another quarter

   I was watching 100 sexiest men on E! last night, and when then got to number 1 my TV turned into a mirror. *wink wink*

   does anybody actually say "booyah" anymore? I think those letters should be separated and granted restraining orders against each other

   Typos: The cause of many trivial arguments.

   overheard in the Oval Office: "If Bristol Palin wins tonight, we bomb Alaska in 10 minutes."

   So my teenage kids can just about do anything with a any phone or computer or camera. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I had a new cordless phone that stored 10 numbers, and I could sit outside with it within distance

   Morning cardio routine: Stretch. Gravity Hand Slam on snooze button. Pull arm back under covers. Roll over. Wait 9 Minutes. Repeat

   says that "I call 'em like I see 'em" loosely translated to "Im a douchebag, deal with it"

   Mr. Peanut's last words: Bye, dear. Back in a Jif.

   it costs 50 Cent to buy 2Pac's of Eminems...which is Ludacris!

   has done the mathematical calculations... Tuesday is the humpday of a 3-day work week.

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   Christmas came early!!! Happy EIGHTEENTH Birthday Miley!!!

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   If I select the "Advance Pat Down" option instead of the Full Body Scanner, do I get some Barry White music and a nice glass of Merlot?

   Wow!! Tension's in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender........

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?