@cdowney84 Funny Status Messages
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my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."
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Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!
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I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."
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I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean...
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
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The best part about the daylight savings tonight is that I get to hear last call called twice.
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I just seen a video of Miley Cyrus singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on YouTube... As if a shotgun to the face wasn't tragic enough for Nirvana.
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"I'm here for you if you need anything" a.k.a. "I wanna be the next guy you bang"
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chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.
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I attend wedding simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."open bar"
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Biggest turn on: When a girl picks the iron as her Monopoly piece.
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do me a favor, next time you have to "go to the left of your profile and select the first 8 friends", just go ahead and punch yourself in the face. And remember, NO CHEATING!!
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I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOUR GIRL WAS A $LUT! I MERELY INDICATED THAT HER "PRIVATE PARTS" WERE MORE LIKE "PUBLIC PARTS"
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I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding, right?
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I like my women the same way I like my hangover, gone by the time I get out of bed.
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
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Good Idea: Trying to talk your way out of a ticket Bad Idea: Telling the cop that he/she is very attractive, and that's not just the booze talking.
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does anyone else only watch the show "Hardcore Pawn" cause they read the title wrong? Asking for a friend.
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shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone.
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