Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friend: Someone who draws on your face while passed out. True Friend: Someone who posts pictures of said drawings on Facebook.

   Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for directions.

   I think instead of a Dislike Button, they should put a Spell Check Button!!

   I'd like to thank meth addicts for making buying allergy and cold medicine and ginat pain in the a$%

   Throughout all this freezin weather and snow we have been gettin,all my mrs has done is stare through the window.....i guess if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in !!!

   Well the Christmas spirit is boxed up and back into the attic for another year.

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from Mcdonalds for making this post possible!!!

   Don't like me? Have a seat with the rest of the a$$holes waiting in line for me to give a f*ck.

   I have a secret, I see offline people....

   There will be no tomorrow. When it gets here, it will be today. I've played this waiting game before.

   I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course. I've never had to run so far in all my life!

   LOGOUT: The hardest button to click on Facebook.

   User "Anonymous" you are the most annoying person on earth. If there is anything wrong or negative to say to anything you are the man! Get a life or at least a job…

   When you’re only 14 and you have no friends. This is what you do?

   I farted in Walmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   the pope is in Israel with a sheikh and a rabbi. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you

   Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

   I don't use hashtags, but if anybody wants one I still have an extra one I got from IKEA... You'll just need to assemble it.. // =

   My Nephew asked me if I knew anything about Galileo .... "Do I" I said, "I know he was a Poor Boy that Nobody loved, from a Poor Family."