Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.

   Uh guys,,, I just checked the forecast for the week of Dec. 17th... Mon: sunny,, Tues: sunny,, Wed: cloudy,, Thurs: Rainy,, Fri: FIRE,,, Sat: DEATH,,, Sun: N/A

   And on the 8th day god created female hormones. Then the female destroyed that day.

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

   What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

   I already told you. I don't know any sign language... Geesh, Are you deaf?

   Hey people making fun of Canada : I think Bryan Adams & Nickleback were just warning shots,,,,,, Let's try not to REALLY anger them..

   My Mom is made entirely of flaws,, Stitched together with good intentions and a pantload of love....Love you Ma.

   The Andy Griffith funeral? Who knows.. he could be cremated...or.. they Mayberry him

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump

   I just shook my keyboard upside down... Breakfast is served.

   My turtle ran away last month.... I'm heartbroken... I tried talking him out of it the entire 2 weeks it took him to reach the sidewalk.

   ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest... NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il ... ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that

   My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least a thousand dollars.

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but,, I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.