Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My mom talks into her cell phone like she just hit the cap lock key on her voice

   Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.

   I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded... Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.

   It's not that hard to figure out a woman.,, just leave her alone when she wants you to,,, Woah woah woah, not that much..... Ok, now she's mad

   Leia walks into the bedroom to find Han staring at himself in the mirror,, holding bagels over his ears.

   Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.

   Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."

   Dear automatic toilet,,,, I appeciate your enthusiasm,, but I wasn't done yet...

   You know that sinking feeling,,, when you realize that you should have taken those swimming lessons.

   Love: When you still like someone after marriage.

   If a shark attacks you,,, DO NOT punch him in the nose... Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

   Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?

   Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

   Tip: To avoid butterflies in your stomach,,, don't eat caterpillars.

   The bad part about getting my hand stuck right now in a Pringles can is that I can't get it out,, because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

   Autocorrect me if I'm Rung,,, but there's no Tim like the presents