Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Thanks motion sensor restroom sinks,,, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.000001 seconds anyway

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

   My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

   * Noah loading ark,,, "cows? check,,, goats? check",,, *llama walks up,,, " I already have llamas."... "Umm, I'm an Alpaca?".... "O.K.,, Wahatever"

   *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan

   If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.

   Ask your doctor if making three lefts is right for you.

   You should think about donating blood,,,,, All of it

   if I was a conductor of an orchestra, I would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."

   In lieu of the formal presidential debates,,, Let's just play Micheal Jackson's "Beat It",,, and eliminate the candidate that claps on 1 and 3

   Dear mom,, I hear babies rip your hoo hoo monster and turn it purple... Hope this card makes up for that.

   Two lesbians walk into a bra....................(Yes,,that was a typo, but I liked it so much, I kept it.)

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you wanna start a movie this late?" years old.

   What is the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?.... The porcupine has the pricks on the outside....

   FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.

   *Me working in straw factory,,, " This is The LAST STRAW,, I QUIT! ",,, * Throws straw out window,,, *straw lands on camel factory next door,,, * camel screams in pain

   Why is our society failing?.. Because the slow gazelle doesn't get eaten anymore.. *see kiddie soccer.

   I bet people in Turkey sleep good all the time.

   The first rule of Mormon fight club is: Going door to door and talk about Mormon fight club