Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon

   The creator of Mad Libs died... His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

   Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.

   Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible poster.

   It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

   Why do people live in regular houses,, when there are steakhouses?

   In order to catch a cab,,,,, one must think like a cab first.

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   Welcome to loneliness club. Today we have special guests,,, Bag Of Doritos and Season 5 of Lost... Since it's just me, let's go ahead and start.

   DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!

   SUSAN: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective... We should split up.. . ME: Good idea,,, that way we can cover more ground

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   Did you know that the average person gains 4 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Good thing my mom told me I would never be average.

   Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.

   Treat others how you'd like to be treated.... That's right McDonalds, So give me more frigging sauce for my McNuggets

   Survival Tip: if your wife cooks up "a mess of bacon" and puts it in the fridge, she has a plan. Do not make yourself an epic sandwich.

   8yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?... Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?.. 8yo: WHAT !?!... Me: Goodnight, son.

   *Turns on phone and responds to "Happy Thanksgiving" texts all day*... ~misses Thanksgiving dinner~

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,