Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it's a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.

   Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.

   Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.

   My most recent workout,, was trying to find that "starting edge" of the toilet paper roll.

   I think I'm just too intelligent for sanity

   My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number..... Big shout out to the ex,, for pissing in my gene pool.

   My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."

   Oh, I'm sorry...Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   Well my dentist is getting a stool sample whether he wants one or not.

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*

   Sure,,, Trump may be unhinged now,,,, but maybe he'll calm down once he becomes the most powerful person in the world

   I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars

   Roses are red, Violets are blue,,, This court finds you guilty, So I'm jailing you..... (poetic justice)

   He was so creepy, his van had a basement.

   If a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first,, make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.