Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages
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'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.
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I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.
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Friends don't tag friends in hideous Facebook pictures.
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If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.
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Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."
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If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
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If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
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It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.
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Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.
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I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.
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Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!
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Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.
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I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."
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WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?
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If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."
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The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she's never around when I'm awake.
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I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't.
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I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...
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