Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone agrees, when you censor the ones who don’t.

   Turned 40 today, and I can feel my idgaf powers growing and coursing through my veins.

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.

   Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”

   Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?

   I’m old school, I still believe in respect.

   Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.

   I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.

   I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I’ve thought about it, and I feel confident in my decision.

   My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?