Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "Can you validate my parking?".. "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."... *wipes away tear,,, "Thanks."

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured

   Idea: We lure Godzilla to Washington D.C., and then claim the insurance money. (we could balance the budget and start over)

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?"... Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?.Me: "Boston Bruins.".. Wife: "You're an idiot "..

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.

   The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK

   *Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

   Shutting off your phone is the new walking out of the room

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The guy that wrote the script for "Gremlins" originally meant it as a documentary about having kids

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   I'm actually really good at computers if you ask my grandma

   Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

   Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.

   How have Tampax and Hershey's not released a combo pack yet?

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.