Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   Why get married and make one woman miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

   if Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.

   Ok Facebook since you're so damn nosey, What's on YOUR mind?

   Two years ago I married a virgin. And if that doesnt change soon,im divorcing her.

   Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   As soon as you get in a relationship, everyone wanna send you that 'I miss you' text.

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them.

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful

   Not sure about the footballs, but Katy Perry's chest appears properly inflated.

   Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?

   Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don't seem to matter as much.

   R.I.P. Mr. Steinbrenner... I never really "hated" your Yankees, just wish you would have bought the Braves!

   Dont blame me. I voted for Trump.

   For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 college millennials and force them to live in the real world.