Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.

   If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........

   TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.

   "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

   Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.

   I think Donald Trump is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character so far.

   6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

   ZOMBIE FART JOKE: Pull off my finger.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   So, if Professor X can move objects with his mind,,, why can't he make his legs move?

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart.. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   I wish I had a dollar, for every dollar I don't have.

   Wait a second ... Water parks have restrooms ... For what?!

   Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?

   Most Americans are overweight according to a study done by my eyeballs.

   OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can't stop calling the addiction hotline....

   Hey,, people who buy just 1-ply toilet paper at grocery stores,, Are you trying to quit??

   Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had been changed. I Looked at the dog.. He looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.