Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I feel sorry for people that haven't found their true love. My ex is on her 5th.

   My dancing has been described as "Oh Dear God, Can somebody get this man an EpiPen?”

   Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

   Well this isn't good,,, I took a nude selfie... And my phone autocorrect replaced it with an image of a silverback mountain gorilla pulling a peanut from its scrotum.

   *at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.

   I'm almost positive that Mona Lisa is smiling because she just passed gas and got away with it.

   ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.... RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air...... ME: HOLY CRAP !?!

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.

   Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years.... Yeah,, us guys tend to do better when we are properly supervised.

   writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.

   Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?

   When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.

   So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.

   Sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to disagree?.. I've travelled the world and ate 7 peas... Everybody's lookin fo Dunkin...

   My son told me his medium wings were too hot... Now he has to wear the Tampon of Shame necklace for the rest of the day......... Thems the rules