Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Some of my favorite posts don't always get a lot of stars.. That's O.K. They know I love them,, and they love me back... That's all we need.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..

   New machine at the gym,,, Brilliant!! but I couldn't take any more after 30 mins,,,,,, It did everything: Kit-Kats, M&M's, Snickers, chips......

   Welcome to camouflage club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week, which is very disappointing.

   I feel like I forgot something when I left the house today.... Pants. It was definitely pants.

   Does Dunkin Donuts make a body spray?... *Asking for a friend..

   Plot twist: you can't play the guitar on the MTV, gotta work for money and chicks aren't free.

   I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley

   All the clowns hated the one female clown because it took forever to get everyone in and out of the car every 30 minutes for her to pee.

   I prefer to believe that Eleanor Rigby was really quite popular,, and that her funeral just happened to coincide with the "American Idol" finale.

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   Me: Yes, I'd like to return this dishwasher.... Lowes employee: Sir, you can't just leave your teenager here, again.

   Reasons I check my voicemail... 1% to hear the message... 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

   Ummm,,, So when you see a gift horse... Where exactly should you be looking???

   My 3 year old can speak 60 words a minute... With gusts up to 90

   Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want