Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.

   Shock collars, but for co-workers

   GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.

   'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs

   I don't chase after girls, unless I have my inhaler with me.

   a restraining order just her way of telling me she's into bondage?

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.

   More coffee, less people please.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.

   After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

   It's like grandma always said, "Buy a selfie stick and you're out of my will."

   My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.

   My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.

   May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.