Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my womans hair. It's a nice way to let her know my love,, and also that we're out of napkin

   Of course Russia was evil,,, They sent a dog up into space,,,,,, Everyone Knows that dogs HATE vacuums

   I'm pretty sure twerking is mentioned somewhere in the book of Revelations

   My dog ate the garbage so told him he was bad,, He yelled "you're not my real dad!" and ran away ........ wait,, I don't have a dog

   It's a shame that Qatar's national airline is "Qatar Airways",, and not the far superior "Air Qatar".

   ... and then the Devil said,,, "Shorten all the charging wires to no more than a 3 foot length."

   Joe Namath's coat saw it's shadow... 6 more weeks of winter.

   What do I do? My google machine just rang.

   It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.

   Looked up "Google" in an encyclopedia and all it said was,,, "Ah, crap."

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   I've decided not to get married until somebody asks

   HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.

   How high can Mexicans climb?,,,,,,,,,#TrumpsGoogleHistory

   “First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   What's the largest "Jousting Lance" I can attach to the hood of my car,,,, legally?

   My tupperware order has shipped,, and in 2-3 business days I finally won't have to contain my excitement.............WAIT !,, Or will I?

   Sometimes,,,, I don't like it at the grown-ups table.