Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.

   My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

   Every time my girlfriend sees me naked, she sighs. Doesn't she know that sighs matters?

   Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

   Thanks to Facebook I met everyone's mother today

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   My favorite Disney princess is now Princess Leia.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   "So You Think You Can Tickle A Polar Bear" is a show that I would love to watch.

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR

   My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.

   No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.

   The best part about working from home is the alcohol.

   I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.

   Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.