Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.

   Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

   This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."

   BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

   Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.

   A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   Women get $5000.00 for donating eggs. Men get fifty bucks for donating sperm. Fifty bucks? I got a towel next to the bed that's worth $200,000.00

   When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although I never did receive that Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

   Live like a kindergartener, you dont have to have the coolest clothes or hottest girlfriend you just have to have the biggest box of crayons

   An Australian kiss is same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

   Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

   I finally friended my wife on Facebook to get updates on our relationship.

   Sticks an stones will break my bones, but This Shovel will knock you the F*ck out!!

   Parents today are spending thousands of dollars "child-proofing" their home. When I was little we stuck our fork in the wall socket ONE time. Our parents let us do it, and they saved thousands of dollars.

   I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should: Go for it, slow down, or just stop.

   Sarcasm is an art.. and some people just don't have an appreciation for art.

   Wearing pajamas and a robe. I feel like Hugh Hefner, minus everything.

   How come nobody ever says "everything happens for a reason" after something good happens?

   Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP