Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I love Captain Crunch,,, and by that I mean I can't get enough of tasting the "roof of my mouth" skin... Two more bowls till I can tongue my brain.

   Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.

   I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED

   How much for the horse tornado?..... Sir, That's a carousel..... Hmmm, I must have it.

   Well,, If you're gonna be "Polically Correct" about the Pledge of Alliegance... You might as well be 'Geo-Politically correct" and change the Pledge to " One Nation,, under Canada"

   By the way, that gluten-free muffin you just enjoyed? I lied...it is absolutely TEEMING with glutens!,,,,, HAHAHAHA! Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

   We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

   According to my Domino's Pizza Tracker,,, It's currently in my lower colon...

   Heard the Kardashians referred to as "American Royalty" on the radio today.....Currently in the bathroom taking an "American Royalty"

   A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.

   firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

   that a thesaurus in your pocket?,, Or are you just ebullient to see me?

   I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...

   So, I hear there was a big party last night to watch Justin Bieber's balls drop.

   I don't mean to brag... but I'm a pretty damn formidable peek-a-boo opponent

   Dear teenage me, It's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone.. No don't kill yourself, it's actually pretty fun

   According to my calculations,,,, The Rock should beat Edward Scissorhands in a fight

   People in glass houses should probably buy their Windex at Costco.

   Coworker: Scott, can I ask you a question?... Me: That's a great question, and the answer is no.. No you cannot.

   a good woman will always forgive you when she's wrong