Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?

   Nothing brings out the worst in human nature like a crowded mall. :) I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!

   Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

   I really do wish there was a pause button in life, like those twix commercials when you "need a moment?" I would smack the shet out of some people and they would have no idea what hit them!

   you know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture

   You see all this snow and complain, I see potential for filling my bathtub with it and chilling many beers for a party!

   Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake.

   going to go observe the ladies' shakeweight class at the gym.

   Today's life lesson: If you can't wow them with brilliance, Baffle them with bullshit.

   Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

   A woman will always forgive & forget......But she'll never let you forget that she has forgiven & forgotten...

   Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.

   Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.

   All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

   The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

   I was late to work, and my boss told me I should've been at work by 8:30 this morning. I asked him "why? what happened then?"

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....

   Making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.