Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

   My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore

   It's all fun and games til they open up the trunk...

   Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday???

   I am tired of being an adult... Can't I just play all day!?

   Thats the last time I order cheap printer cartridges from yemen.......

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   On a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 how OCD are you?

   Don't you find those people who keep updating how many days to christmas annoying? Anyway it's 37 days to christmas.

   If you worry about all the bridges you burn in life, you will never get across the river.

   I am obsessed with Morgan Freeman's voice. I want him to narrate my inner monologue.

   Life was so simple back when we didn't need a Username and a Password.

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

   LIFE INSURANCE: a contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich

   Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy

   In the lives of our grandchildren and great grandchildren, OUR iphone and ipad will be THEIR rotary phone and notepad.

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it wouldn't be useful in a combat situation.

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.

   By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.