Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages
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This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.
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The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.
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People who say marriage is only between a man and a woman underestimate my love for pizza.
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I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
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I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.
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Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.
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How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.
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It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.
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Don’t flatter yourself. I'm not attracted to you, this vodka I am drinking is.
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my brain has too many tabs open.
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Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.
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When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.
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I smoke because I enjoy the smell of death.
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Love isn't real until one of you is on meds.
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A taser, but for when people try to talk about their feelings.
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Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.
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If it wasn't for me, my life would be pretty awesome.
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I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.
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Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!
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