andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   You can never rule out the possibility that someone in your life is dead and you've been getting Weekend-at-Bernie'ed.

   "Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined." - Moron who clearly hasn't pictured a Crocoshark.

   The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.

   Having a bad Day? Remember there are folks who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   The great thing about waking up to 3 feet of snow is it gives me a legit excuse to skip my usual 5:30am 20K run.

   Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome

   I always wrap someone's fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock

   Fun Fact Ladies: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.

   Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are getting a divorce. I guess what rhymes with hug me is alimony

   Vacation to Hawaii? Meh. Paris? No thanks. Venice? I'll pass. Back in time to being 7 years old on a Saturday? YES, PLEASE!!

   I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.

   I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.

   My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

   I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.

   It pays to network: today, take time to call up every one of your business associates and just tell them that you love them.