Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages
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Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.
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I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
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This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.
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If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.
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If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!
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Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.
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I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...
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Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
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I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.
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The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.
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You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones...
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I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
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I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.
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I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.
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Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.
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I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.
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I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.
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Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don't want to see.
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When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.
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