GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   When I say, "I hate drama" I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan!!!

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.

   I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.