Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?

   going to put doves in his coat in case he gets mugged, gotta keep things interesting...

   You know that look women get right before they want to have sex? Me neither.

   On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh!t" and "syphilis."

   Sarcasm is the bodys defense to stupid people!

   To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

   it's so quiet at Hillary Clinton's campaign HQ you can almost hear an email getting deleted 😂

   "Oh, so that's what they meant by Silent Majority!" -------- Hillary Clinton

   Martin L King ... Looted nothing, Burned nothing, Attacked .... NO ONE ....... Yet ... CHANGED THE WORLD. Time for people to wake up ..... It's the mind ... Not the emotions that holds the power.

   The Constitution is Good

   Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on.

   If General Mattis runs for president in the next election, will his campaign slogan be "Mad Dog 2020"?

   Why I hate House Hunters. Amy is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Abe manages a Taco Bell. Abe: Our budget is $4 million

   Looks like the Healthcare bill vote may be delayed so Nancy Pelosi can read it this time

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?

   I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.

   Has it occurred to ANYONE that if you can organize that many people to protest, you can organize that many people to clean up you community and get rid of the criminal element causing the problem? Where's that rally?

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're just a wet paper towel on a stick .