Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In our local supermarket, they always have 6 checkouts open. Except when it's really busy then they have 2...

   “Hey, it's been 10 seconds. Check your pockets again. Maybe your missing keys have magically reappeared there.” (My Brain)

   For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I'm on a 'secure line'

   Don't expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.

   I think it's safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.

   Memo to self: A Home DNA Testing kit is not a good shower gift.

   Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.

   Not to brag, but my nickname at work is "do you think he's alive?"

   You had me at "Hello"... But you lost me when you kept talking.

   I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.

   Don't worry Cat Zingano, I wouldn't last more than 14 seconds with Ronda Rousey either.

   Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

   Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

   Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

   Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?

   I dream about naps.

   They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

   A new game show for parents with newly born babies: So You Think You Can Sleep.

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.