Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   I come from a long line of impatient customers.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.

   LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito

   * Throws caution to the wind.... Wind throws it back and tells me I throw like a girl.

   Went to Walmart today. They accepted me as one of their own.... *cough-cough* go on without me... Save yourselves.

   Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.

   My wife asking me to do the first half of the kids' bedtime,,, is like asking me to shake up a can of soda before handing it to her...

   in my opinion, a camel's back seems like a very inefficient way to transport straws,,, but I might be a bit biased here.

   "My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   That kid looks ALOT like me.... Somebody should warn him.

   Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

   Yesterday,, Someone once tried to break into my taxidermy studio,,, but I fought them off with my bear hands.

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.