Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Is it just me or is "Top News" on Facebook more like "Old news that is mediocre"?

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook"No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her

   Forgetfulness is the device your mind uses to tell you what is important and what isn't.

   wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

   Don't be afraid of rejection..It hurts, but you won't die from it.!!!

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.

   Who we are never changes. Who you think you are does.

   It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.

   I'd still choose rock over paper in a real fight.

   Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late."

   I can tell when were expecting company because suddenly the toilet paper rolls have to go on the dispenser.

   I ran this morning and there was nothing chasing me. There is something fundamentally wrong with that.

   can't seem to turn off the wildlife feature on his GPS... every now and then it tells me, "In 500 feet, bear left!" Like that's not gonna scare the crap out of me!

   officially resigning from adulthood!!! ...if you want to discuss this further you'll have to catch me first, cos... "Tag! You're it."

   The person who said "nothing's impossible!" has never seen me doing nothing.

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.