Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Blind people would be a lot more exciting if they carried around swords.

   In "Hipster Jeopardy", all contestants must phrase their responses in the form of irony.

   FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.

   My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

   You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?

   When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks of office, not sure when is the right time to ask if aliens are real?

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   The guy who invented the game "Twister" died this week.... Fitting him into his coffin took almost 30 spins. ( they put the left foot in...)

   It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.

   My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?

   GOOD NEWS EVERYONE,,, Comedy Central has just secured the rights to show all of the NY JETS regular season.

   ProTip: Get hoarders addicted to crack,,, they'll sell off all their crap.......... Boom, problem solved.

   Ever seen Cookie Monster's feet?......... No?.................. Well, that's Diabetes for you!!

   61.My mom found a spot between her boobs this week,,, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

   I sprinkled googly eyes into the dog's food,, and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.

   Hey,, You know Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self.

   There's a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road, and all I can think,, is that one of you,, is without your protective headgear today.