Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they get married and ruin everything.

   the local weather: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullshit blowing in from all directions!

   I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

   Huh, turns out that staying up until 4 am and surfing adult sites is not considered insomnia. Thank God!!! I really thought I had a problem…..

   I had a girlfriend that said she was leaving me because I was so arrogant! I told her to close the door on her way back in!!!

   I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them because I know how hard life is for the visually impaired.

   The smallest woman can break the biggest man in the world with three little words: Is it in?

   wants to open a combination Spanish and Italian restaurant and call it "Que Pasta"

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   There's something oddly satisfying about turning off my computer by holding down the power key. Who's in control now, b!tch?

   Merry Christmas! oh, its not evern thanksgiving yet? well, how about we forward that memo to the stores, cause its beginning to look alot like christmas..EVERYWHERE I GO!

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”

   As much as your kids are at my house, you should pay me child support.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   hates it when the girlfriend asks him to hold her handbag and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   I don't need to see 48 pictures of the vehicle you just bought. It's a used Sonata. Relax.

   Craigslist has just shut down their adult services section. Looks like the "used futon for sale" ads are about to get a lot more interesting