Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I know,,,, Let's vote the pool water off that new celebrity diving show

   Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.

   My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper

   Wake me up when everything isn't pumpkin flavored.

   Dear God, when I said I wanted a salary with six zeros in it,,, I didn't mean only zeros.

   If you say the word "gullible" over and over really fast,, it sounds like your actually saying 'oranges'

   She wore a raspberry beret, but NOT the kind you find in a secondhand store,, (cuz those will give you head lice.)

   Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, it was in vein.

   I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.

   Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."

   A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS.... Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

   Look, I'm not saying you’re gay,, I'm saying I've never seen you and gay in the same room at once...

   My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I'm Just Napping

   I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness

   Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.

   Screw it..... I'm just gonna say that these are " Mother's Day" lights now..... *lazy Christmas light owners...

   Putting a 60 mph sign on a Mass. highway is really just a waste of metal

   "PLAY FREE BIRD!" -Me, drunk, at the Symphony

   Apparently when you walk in and your boss is listening to" Sister Christian ".... You AREN'T supposed to ask if it's couples skate only

   Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.